It's killing me

When a person finds his true love, does that love find him back too?


In my dream, I see you smiling. In my dream, I see us. Together. And happy. But nevertheless, when I wake up, it all becomes fake and lie. I sit up on my bed pressing my hands on my forehead. In my dream, I see myself happy. And then it all goes away. The dream of dawn leaves me dejected.

I spring out of my bed and head for a morning walk towards the Shiva temple, where I saw you for the last time, or more suitably talked to each other, for the last time, and parted in front of your home. For some strange reasons, I had always believed all the answers of my pain lied somewhere around that temple.


We don't talk. Ever. Which has been a long time now. A long, long time. And it gives me immense pain to fail to understand why. I see you on the road and am forced not to talk to. I hear your voice, while taking a walk through the road in front of your home. You laugh, you smile, you are happy. And then on the other side of the coin, this silence...

It's killing me.

Waiting for happiness

I was walking alone tonight when

I saw a couple. Happy, and dancing around each other

In the joy of being together.

The girl looked like you. 
And then it reminded me of you. 

Ah the days…when

We walked together for

Half an hour or so

And then you’d take the road straight, while

I’d take the turn and walk my way back home.

Life has been a road, quite straight for you

There were people, patiently waiting for you

On both side of the road.

Waiting, to pick you up

And start a happy journey together.

While I took the turn and walked my way

Admiring the wild flowers, and the bushes

Nevertheless, it was not the road less travelled

Because I made my own way –

The road made up of my blood.

And then after tens of hundreds years

When people will forget about the beauty you possessed

They will walk the way I made,

With my blood. Still fresh, red like a rose

Waiting to be gifted to someone special.

And after tens of thousands years

When people will forget about the smile you possessed

They will listen to the sigh a no one left

From the deepest core of his heart

Patiently waiting to be loved.

I smiled and laughed in my mind

When I saw the couple.

They took the road ahead, while I,

I took the road through the dark

Reminding about you.

I sat on the cold cement

With the December wind all over my face

And the shady lake smiling at me in silence

Waiting for happiness. 


(A few lines taken as notes given the look of a poem.)

Forgetting someone

Earlier this evening, the boy came out of his apartment with a black outfit, accompanied by hurried footsteps, which was his trademark, and gave him a scent of busy and ignorant feeling about the rest of the world… somewhat contradicting to the truth. An unhappy soul. A face wanting to blend into the crowd. And an everlasting need to be happy, when the rest of the world finds their way to be the same. 

The least possible way for the crowd to see him is taken, as decided previously. A walk through the lake. And then the infamous road.

A girl walks in front of him. She walks with her father. The hurried footsteps somewhat slows down. And then a few muttering within his mind.

“This couldn’t be her, is it?”

Four years had passed. It was really a long time.

He stopped, and looked at her, walking with her father. They went towards their home, took a turn and then started walking towards him. It was the moment he had to decide whether to talk to her or not, after a long period.  

He looked at her face for the last time. And then walked back. As he started walking towards his colony, he consoled himself with his own reasons. He had a lot of them. And one thing he knew for sure, that it could be the last time he was going to see her in this lifetime, for a change in fate was going to give her a chance to study abroad. A lifetime of longing, he thought was not out of the equation. 

But he did not talk. And he took an oath, if and when he does, one day, meet this girl, he was going to make things clear. Once and for all. Maybe someday, when the tables will be turned, in his favour. 

On the way back home, under the railway bridge, he saw a boy, naked, and begging for money. A boy only nine of ten years old. A time of Durga Puja, and in the midst of thousands of people walking under that rail bridge, no one had even a second to look at him, or even noticing that it was the same boy that begs every evening at the same place. So the Puja is not different for certain people, he thought, as he crossed the boy.

But only this time, the busy footsteps were decelerated.

Another soul was burning. And that made two of them.

He went back. Brought a note out of his wallet, and put it in the hands of the naked boy. The boy astonished, looked at the note and then tried to look at the person’s face, who was gone again, with his hassled steps, blending into the crowd. And by the time the boy got himself together and realised he has got enough money for his dinner, the possessor of the hassled steps was a long distance away, smiling in his mind.

“The fact that she was never mine, and the truth that she will never be, can do a world of pain to me…but it seems someone behind the game has set some fine accord with people so that they get benefited by poor souls like us.” 

Within a span of an hour, the boy had met the love of his life, chose not to talk to her, and helped a poor boy begging for money to have something to eat for that night. 

And then he started realising that happiness cannot be found outside. It is only when you know you have it. 

What if that 'someday' doesn't come, ever?

Yes. That's the question. And I''d love to get some answers here.

Apart from that, the confinement I wrote about has come into reality...like all other things and is pushing me down every moment. Whatever doesn't let you go, simply kills you.

And that's that.


Everything is so damn silent here. A walk, perhaps?

Notes from a living room: 40

This is going to be a depressing post. So for the happy-go-lucky people, stay away.


I hate this time of the year. I just so much hate it. It's not only because I start feeling so lonely and depressed and dejected and bored out of nowhere, but it's also because of the fact that out of nowhere, people start coming in from everywhere, hold hands in public, go places, be happy. And of all the people, I stay inside my room, and curse them.

I never really realised the importance of a Durga Puja. That too on a large scale like this. Yes, the only good thing that has happened to me during Durga Puja is that TOI decided somewhere around five or six years ago that they'll start publishing a separate paper on a given day in Puja and some young writer's selected stories will be published. But what the hell. This year, they have dropped that. Which will only mean that whatever thrill I enjoyed waiting for the Puja to come and see whether any of my writings have been published is taken away from me completely. So all that remains is hatred now. Hatred, ignorance, curse, dejection, depression....and you can add a series of negative expressions to that list if you can think of any more.



Things were not like this before. Not always, obviously. But then again, people betray. So does time. Good God! I enjoyed the fifteen odd minutes of Durga Puja in 2008 and two hours in 2010. But times change. And that's the catastrophe.


I am going to attach two pictures I have in my computer, about Puja.


                                              [ Picture Deleted ]

Picture above was taken on Durga Puja 2010, the only time I was out with my friends. I wouldn't say it was a bad time, but at the end of the Puja, I messed up my life pretty big. Very big. 

 
Picture above was taken by me in Varanasi. It was Dasami. The place where it is taken is called Godhuliya.




Good, now that I have vented my depression and boredom in here, you people can go off to your respective boyfriends and girlfriends and have a nice time. Until your lonely writer here comes up with something once again...enjoy your holidays.

The awesomeness called 'rome'

I have been playing Rome - Total War for three or four years now and I'd rate it very high as a strategy game. I am yet to play any other versions of Total war products but I'm on a verge of doing it pretty soon.

Anyway, this post is all about Rome -Total war and lets be confined to it only.

The campaign will basically start as you being one of the houses assisting Rome (SPQR) as in The House of Julii or The House of Brutii or The House of Scipii. And once you finish a campaign with one of these Houses you will be able to unlock other provinces like Carthage, The Greek Cities, The Selucid Empire, Egypt, Germania, Britania, Gaul and Parthia. If playing one of the Houses assisting Rome, you get certain missions from Rome from time to time and you need to achieve them in order to continue the glory of Rome and take the Empire forward. Later, much later, as your House takes control over the map and power in the senate, you get a chance for power and take the Rome and defeat the other Houses.

One of the exciting thing about this game is it will give you a feel of historical background as it goes back to the days of Medieval days or maybe the days of Lord of the Rings where you will find places like Patavium, Ariminum, Arretium....and not places like Venice, Florence etc. Also, if you are playing one of the Houses you get extra facilities, like you can bribe a whole army of another House and they will directly join as an army of your House.

Apart of armies ranging from archers to cavalry to camels to Elephants the game has spy, assassin, diplomats to negotiate and make the game much more complicated and beautiful. It has got riots in the settlements, plague happenings and ways to tackle both riots and plague.

I am going to attach some of the pictures from the campaign map.

 

Picture above shows Rome (in violet), and the House of Julii (in red). This is the very early part of the game for the House of Julii. Right now it is holding only Arretium and Ariminum.   

 

Picture above shows you the Gaul region. But right now the House of Julii and House of Brutii (in green) is fighting to get a hold onto it, which means one of these Houses (in this case which should be the House of Brutii) is outlawed and it now wants to take the whole power of Rome (already acquired).

 

Picture above shows the Greek cities portion acquired by the House of Brutii. 

And this picture, shows you the whole map of the game.


The Total War is going to launch its newest version of Rome, by the way. It's Rome 2 - Total War. Here is a video link to its introduction. Rome 2 - Total War First Gameplay Footage



Tell me if you liked it.

Notes from a living room: 39

Okay so I was sitting idle this afternoon in my room and suddenly remembered George Clooney's speech from the movie 'Up In The Air'. I decided that, this note tonight, I shall start with that speech.


"How much does your life weigh? Imagine for a second that you're carrying a backpack. I want you to pack it with all the stuff that you have in your life... you start with the little things. The shelves, the drawers, the knickknacks, then you start adding larger stuff. Clothes, tabletop appliances, lamps, your TV... the backpack should be getting pretty heavy now. You go bigger. Your couch, your car, your home... I want you to stuff it all into that backpack. Now I want you to fill it with people. Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends, folks around the office... and then you move into the people you trust with your most intimate secrets. Your brothers, your sisters, your children, your parents and finally your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend. You get them into that backpack, feel the weight of that bag. Make no mistake your relationships are the heaviest components in your life. All those negotiations and arguments and secrets, the compromises. The slower we move the faster we die. Make no mistake, moving is living. Some animals were meant to carry each other to live symbiotically over a lifetime. Star crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not swans. We are sharks."


  
 Anyways, here is a picture of mine taken by Sobitri at his place, last saturday. He has got through IBM, so we arranged a little get together. The beard has given me a Johnny Depp-look.

                                                                        Okay, on a second thought, maybe a-bit-less-good-looking-than-Johnny-Depp-look, perhaps.

[ Picture Deleted ] 

A few more of those pictures taken on that day, I thought, should find their way here, too.

[ Picture Deleted ]

What you see in the above two pictures is me trying to apply palmistry on Sid, for like, thousandth time, in our five years-or-something endeavour. He, for obvious reasons and as always, doesn't have a clue to whatever I am saying or murmuring to myself, or, in odd occasions trying to tell him how beautiful his wife will look like (Provides that he gets married, ofcourse).

 [ Picture Deleted ]

Above picture is taken by Nath, after he fumbled with the camera for like 5 minutes for this shot. From left, Sobitri, Sabyasachi, me and Sid. 

[ Picture Deleted ] 

 Shot above is taken by Dippo. He joined us at 6.30 PM. From left Sabya, Sobitri, Sid, me, Nath and Subhankar. All of us look happy here.




Anyways, right now I'm listening to 'Shankar kare, damaru baje', a song by Ajay Chakraborty. In my playlist, I have 'Yaad piya ki aaye' by Ustad Bade Ghulam Ali Khan and  'Albela sajan aayo re' from the movie 'Hum dil de chuke sanam'.

And after typing the above line I played five moves of online chess tournament games in chess.com.

...with which I am going to sign off tonight. Ciao. :)

Notes from a living room: 38

The Chhatim flowers have started coming out in volumes in the southern avenue, and around the lake place. That reminds me that Durga Puja is not that far this year. 

By the way, I am listening to 'Hosh walon ko khabar kya' in my room right now. Here's the lyrics of the same, which I happen to like very much.

Hosh Walon Ko Khabar Kya Bekhudi Kya Cheez Hai
Ishq Kije Phir Samajhiye Zindagi Kya Cheez Hai
Hosh Walon Ko Khabar Kya Bekhudi kya cheez Hai...

Unse Nazrein Kya Mili Roshan Fizayen Ho Gayi
Aaj Jaana Pyar Ki Jaadugari Kya Cheez Hai
Ishq Kije Phir Samajhiye Zindagi Kya Cheez Hai...

Khulti Zulfon Ne Sikhayi Mausamon Ko Shayari
Jhukti Aankhon Ne Bataya Maikashi Kya Cheez Hai
Ishq Kije Phir Samajhiye Zindagi Kya Cheez Hai...

Hum Labon Se Keh Na Paye Unse Haal-E-Dil Kabhi
Aur Woh Samjhe Nahin Yeh Khamoshi Kya Cheez Hai
Ishq Kije Phir Samajhiye Zindagi Kya Cheez Hai...

What an unusual happening. I started writing, and now I don't get any words to write.

I decided I'd give some of the pictures from my room, and some pictures of our neighbourhood in this note. So here they go...

                           This one is the picture of a wall-hanging, bought by me from a shop in Gariahat market. Two people, most probably dancing. The black one is a man and the red one could be a woman. Though it's a modern art and its meaning could be something else, I just bought it because it reminds me that being with someone makes us happy. :)

 

                                                                                Another one of those, bought in the same shop. Seven horses. But technically there are only six and half. One of the horses doesn't have his body. Too bad I didn't see it while buying. Would have gone for another picture of this genre. Nevertheless I like this one. 

 

                                

                                      This one is an old picture of Tarachand Dutta Street, Kolkata, by a certain Samir Biswas. I have hung it on the calendar of my room.

 

  

               

                                             This is the Pandit Tarapada Chakraborty Sarani. Picture taken from the roof of our flat. The rooms resting on the south-east corner has been taken by our new neighbour. They came in after sometime the Punjabi family went away from the same building. The house has been renovated, and previously, it was hell of a building, with bricks and cements falling down every other week from the cornice. Now that it looks very new, people have almost forgotten of those unforgettable past.  

                                                 By the way, Shahrukh Khan's shaali (his wife's sister) lives in the house you see at the west-side of this picture, the white one. She works for Calcutta metro.  

 

This is the infamous Tollygunj slum, taken from the backside of the roof of our flat. The Adi Ganga or The old Ganges or more famously known as the Tolly nala can be seen here.

And here comes my room. Yes, the living-cum-dining room, the room where I've been spending my life for the last seven years, after I came back from my hostel. And this is the same room on which I loosely based my story, 'The no-private room'. That's my bed, right there, beside the computer table. Though the computer is facing front-ways in this pic, now it faces my bed, all the time, not only because it is easy to work from my bed, but also, it gives me privacy while using the computer. 

And that's the rest of the room. Picture taken from my bed. you can see the television, the dining table, the refrigerator, even the 'seven horse'-wall hanging.  

That's again Pandit Tarapada Chakraborty Sarani. Picture taken from my bedside windows this time. it was a rainy morning. And I had nothing better to do but click pictures from the camera my sister left behind. She left it to use it while we were about to visit Varanasi. We don't have a camera by the way. So, sister's camera it is, that we used. The footpaths you see in this picture are sometimes used by the local slum people to sleep in the night, when the summer season is in its high, and they need some air to have a good night's sleep.

And that's your's sincerely. Trying to be smart, looking out of the windows and clicking his own picture, thinking that it will make him look even smarter. But alas! It doesn't. :)

[ Picture Deleted ]

 

So that's it. Tell me if you liked my pictures, my room and the place I live. Until the next note. 

- 5th October, '12.

'Chess'ing life - Traps and Gambits

Learned a few tricks and traps from the youtube while playing a tournament in chess.com. Trying to list down and elaborate so that I can relate to them later.


1. Lasker Trap :

Lasker Trap is named after Emanuel Lasker. Basically this trap was invented by Lasker to nullify and confuse the queen's gambit played by white after the d4(white) and d5(black) move.

                                                                        So after white plays his queen's gambit, black avoids it and plays e5. It's a great move, and lot of time white will not be ready to see such a counter attack and play a bad move. So play can resume from here when the d4 pawn capturing e5, and black is going to respond by advancing d5 pawn to d4. Now the mistake from white is going to be pawn to e3. he will obviously think that black is going to capture the pawn on e3 and hence he can exchange the queen and prevent black from castling. But that is not going to happen. Black is going to continue with the Lasker trap and that is moving the bishop to b4 and checking the white king. White is going to bring his bishop and prevent the check as well as challenge the bishop checking the king. Now the pawn on d4 will capture the pawn on e3. The bishop sitting in front the queen cannot capture the pawn as it is preventing the check from black's bishop. So from here, White can do even bigger mistake to capture the unsupported Bishop attacking the king thinking that he can gain more material advantage, but he's going to be mistakenly wrong. The e3 pawn of black in response will continue to capture f2 pawn, thus making a check by pawn and also threatening the knight on g1. Now here, white king cannot simply take this pawn by his king because then the queen will be unprotected and black's queen can easily capture it. So white will have to sacrifice its knight and move its king to e2. From here, I will play my own variation (Other than what's been said in the youtube). I will move my bishop to g4, check the king and produce a fork where by avoiding the check, white exposes his queen and completing the fork, black wins the white king.

It's a really good trap. I have often seen people come up with the queen's gambit without even knowing how to use the extra space gained. So if facing a beginner player using the queen's gambit, one can always use this trap. 

2. Smith-Morra Gambit :

This gambit is a response to black's answer of Sicilian defense to white's king's pawn move(e4). personally, I've always hated Sicilian defense. For a person like me, who more or less always plays e4 and gets a Sicilian in response, this gambit can be a good answer to it. The Smith-Morra gambit takes black out of any thoughts he developed of playing about, with his Sicilian defense.

                                                       So in response to white's e4, black goes into Sicilian and plays c5. And from here, white's going to play d4, and after black captures on d4 from c5, white is going to offer up another pawn on c3. And after black captures the pawn on c3, white is going to recapture the pawn with his knight on c3. This is the Smith-Morra Gambit. White has given up two pawns while black has given only one pawn. But also, white has one center pawn developed and a knight supporting it and at the same time developed nicely and guarding the central part.

3. Mortimer Trap :

The Mortimer Trap can be developed when black plays Berlin defense in response to white's Ruy-Lopez opening. After e4-e5, Nf3-Nc6, Bb5(white-playing the Ruy-Lopez opening), black goes into Berlin defense by Nf6. Now here comes the Mortimer trap. After Black's last knight move, if white delays his castling and continues to defend on the central pawn by playing d3, black has an opportunity to play the Mortimer Trap.

                                         So after white plays d3, black plays knight to e2, basically giving up the pawn on e5 as a trap. So white will take the pawn on e5 with his knight on f3. Then black can simply play pawn to c6 attacking the white bishop. Now it doesn't matter if the white moves his bishop to c4 or a4 to avoid the threat from the black pawn on c6, in the next move, the black queen will move to a5, check the white king as well as forking the unprotected white knight at e5. This, precisely is the Mortimer Trap.

                             Now, how to avoid a Mortimer Trap. After black plays his pawn to threaten the Bishop on b5, white's best move is to simply bring his knight to c4, thus preventing the black queen to come to a5 and check the king. A lot of people will say, yeah...he's going to lose his bishop anyway, but it's not that easy. If black captures the bishop on b5 with his pawn, white brings his knight to d6. Check mate. So to avoid the check mate, black needs to open his pawn to d6, avoiding the check-mate and still attacking the bishop. Now to avoid the attack, white's only move is bishop to a4. And now black can simply move his pawn to b5, thus attacking both knight and bishop with one single pawn.  

4. Marshal Trap :

Marshal Trap is played in the lines of Petrov defense. I am not going to elaborate this one as it takes a lot of moves first up to form this trap. Basically, the trap comes from black when white tries to put pressure on the E file with his rook after castling king side. Black pins down white's knight in front of the queen. Now when white plays the rook move, thus making a mistake of not playing his other knight to put pressure on the black knight, black can play this trap. White sacrifices his bishop to get captured by king, black knight captures pawn on f2 attacking both white queen and bishop. From here on the capturing will continue until black moves his queen to check and at the same time pin the white rook.

5. Kieninger Trap :

Again, I am not going to elaborate this one. Just that, it's played by black while playing the Budapest gambit in response to white's d4. After d4-Nf6, c4-e5(Budapest Gambit), and when white pawn takes this gambit, black knight comes to g4 attacking the pawn. From here on white tries to hold on to its unsupported pawn and tries to support it with Bf4, which is counterattacked by black with Nc6. White then plays Nf3 adding more pressure on the pawn on e5. From here on black brings his bishop to check on white king, white guards the check with his knight to d2. And then black moves his queen to d7. Now white's obvious move here will be to threaten the black bishop so he moves his pawn to a3. But black avoids that threat and takes the pawn at e5 because it has been attacked by black with three pieces in response to black's only two. Now here comes the tragedy from white. White obviously notices the three-to-two support on the pawn he has lost and lets it go, but instead he captures the bishop he has been threatening. From here, the black knight on e5 can come to d3, unexpectedly, and check-mate. The pawn on e2 cannot capture it as the king is sitting straight, guarding the E file. So there you go, a check-mate with the Kieninger Trap.

6. Legal Trap : 

This trap is named after the french chess player Sire de Legal. It basically sacrifices the white queen in order to mate the black king. Game starts with a common Italian opening but white moves its bishop to c4 to attack the pawn on f7. From here if black plays the d6 and transposes into a Philidor defense, white continues its piece development by Nc3. Now here comes the legal tap when black plays Bishop to g4 thus pinning down the knight in front of the queen. White plays pawn to h3, thus attacking the bishop which was pinning down the knight in front of the queen. Bishop goes back to h5, but white plays the Legal trap by playing Knight takes c5 pawn, thus making a way for black to capture his queen, White bishop takes f7 pawn check, king to e7, knight to d5. Check mate. There goes the Legal Trap. Offering up the queen to get a mate.

7. Fishing Pole Trap :

And this is perhaps the most dangerous traps of all. Game starts with a normal Ruy-Lopez opening. And after white castles king side, black knight simply moves to g4, applying a lot of pressure on h2 and f2. So one of the common moves by white will be pawn to h3, thus attacking the knight. Now here comes the fishing pole trap. Black simply plays h5, thus willing to sacrifice his knight. So once this capturing takes place, the H file becomes open for rook. Not only that, the pawn which captures the pawn which captured the knight, is now threatening the white knight. For white, it will become worse if he decides to move his knight now. Within two to three moves, it's a check mate for black.

8. Blackburne Schilling Trap :

This trap comes from the Italian opening. Instead of developing like normal, Black moves his knight twice from Nc6 to Nd4, thus providing an opportunity for the white knight Nf3 to capture the pawn at e5. Black answers this capture with queen to g5, attacking both knight and the g2 pawn. Now a lot of times, white would like to bring Ne5 to Nf7, pinning rook and the queen. Now black won't be able to capture this knight, because it would be supported by Bb4, so what black is going to do, is to take up the pawn at g2. White will move his rook to f1, not to get attacked, but black queen will capture the pawn at e4, and give a check. White has two moves, queen to g2, which we can take with our knight, or Bishop to e2. And from here black can continue his attack by bringing his knight to f3. Check mate.

As described, it is very much clear, that white will lose material, no matter what he does. It's just a matter of how much.

9.  Siberian Trap :

Special case. If and only if white moves his queen to e2, black threatens the queen as well as gets ready to check mate on the king side with queen supported by his knight.

10. Halosar Trap :

This is the most interesting trap I've seen. And that's why, I am going to elaborate this one a bit. Also, Halosar Trap depends on the Blackmar Diemer Gambit and more importantly the Ryder Gambit. So you'll learn both on the way you see the Halosar trap.

                     So after d4-d5, black plays e4 which is king's gambit. Black accepts the gambit. So white plays the Nc3. In response, white plays Nf6 to defend the pawn on e4. From here white is going to move pawn to f3 offering another pawn hoping for something big. Black captures the pawn and white goes into Ryder Gambit by taking up the piece with his queen. And this allows the black queen to come to d4 and capture the unprotected pawn. Now white is down with two material but black has fallen into something that is called the Halosar Trap.

From here white is going to play Bishop to e3, attacking the black queen which has to go somewhere. And lot of time he will move his queen to b4, trying to attack the pawn at b2. White castles queen-side, astonishingly, so black brings his bishop to g4, thus pinning down the queen in front of the rook. But white continues in his plan and moves Knight to b6. Now if black is really a novice, and captures white queen, he's going to lose the game because white's next move is Nc7 and that's check mate.

What Black can do, is to bring his Knight to a6, thus guarding the c7 pawn. White queen can take the pawn at b7, at the same time attacking the pawn at c7.If black tries something fancy in the next move, white knight can take the pawn at c7 and it's a check to the black king, and as well as a discovered attack on the black queen by white queen. So one way or the other, it's a mate for black.