Scattered notes 8

A little sms drama. Sad, and irrespective of the fact that I knew that it was going to happen someday, this good bye thing, it’s really hard to believe (Alright now I must use the word ‘believe’ very carefully).



‘I see you’ve got Nil and forgotten me completely. Anyways good for you. At least you’ve got a new boyfriend.’

‘Who told you he’s my boyfriend? Don’t be silly. And I haven’t forgotten you…’

‘Nobody told me. I just figured it out. You’ve been talking to each other on the road as if I wasn’t there. You’ve been studying together. And he touches you as if he is one.’

‘I admit we were a little engrossed that day. I am sorry that I ignored you but nothing is going on between the two of us. Believe me.’

‘Anyway, doesn’t matter now. The thing is, I am not enjoying this threesome act. So I won’t be walking with you anymore.’

‘Ok. If that’s what you want.’

‘It’s not what I want. It’s how you make me want.’

‘What do you mean? What have I done wrong that you are so upset?’

‘Leave it. I must’ve been terribly wrong when I agreed to walk with you. Didn’t know, you could bring other guys in the middle too.’

‘What do you mean by other guys in the middle? What did you presume that walk to be?’

‘Don’t get too emotional. I just don’t want the ignorance. That’s all. May be an auto back home is better for me.’

‘Look I’m sorry about that day but I didn’t think you were feeling ignored considering that both you and Nil were laughing and having fun. May be I did or didn’t do something that I honestly don’t know is what…’

‘I said leave it. It’s cool. I’m not a fun-loving guy anyway. Btw I am almost done with your books. Will return them soon. ‘Eleven minutes’ was really good.’

‘Ok. Fine.’



And then it ended. A fresh air that came through the railings of IMS went away leaving bitter truths of life. I could’ve argued some more. But no one can compete with the word ‘presume’, I presume.

My hatred for the city has grown to the fullest. Want to leave it so badly. Talked to an old friend from N’pur today. He’s studying at Pondicherry. So badly need to get away.

What’s so special about this city? At the end of the day, it gives you experiences about everything but leaves you with nothing.

After so many years, once again I second Pallabi.


ps: She spelled the word 'presume' wrong way. And she lied that day when Nil asked her whether she gets above 30 in English. I have seen her marks. She hasn't even touched 30 a single time in English. What a shame, buddy. Have fun both you English and Maths teachers. I am off.

Scattered notes 7

28th September, 2010, 16.10 PM in the afternoon before going to the IMS.


Bad mood. Going to return ‘Eleven minutes’ and ‘The fifth mountain’ to Srijita today, unread. Just want to close any kind of interaction with her, so the fact that I couldn’t finish the books doesn’t matter to me now. Feeling sorry for the books, that I couldn’t give the amount of respect I should’ve to them…but anyway, I’ll read them in future with greater care, borrowing from someone else. You know, sometimes I just sit on my bed and keep thinking…how fast the world around us changes. And how fast the people around us, including us of course, change opinion about someone. It’s really something weird.


Oh and for the record, she has stopped all kinds of interaction with me too.

I was just thinking about the fact that what kind of a person tells you that she misses you and on the next week can forget you, or rather why next week, may not even talk to you when she sees you within a couple of days. What kind of a person buys chocolate (worth 30 Rs.) to a guy she has known only two hours ago, and lets him touch her within a week or so.

Just reminds me of the moral character showed by Pallabi, when Navojyoti touched her…’stay within your limits’ she had said. Putting aside all that vanity and grumpy face and everything, at least I will remember her for saying those words.

And in the midst of all these, thousands of ants have attacked my bed and computer table. Boy o boy, am I pissed off!


21.45 PM in the evening after the IMS got over.

She didn’t come. That’s the reason I am getting two more days to finish the books. At least the ‘Eleven minutes’ one.

Debopam insists to go back to her. But the thing is, it’s impossible for me now. I’ve lived enough in dejection. It’s time to get out of it.

Scattered notes 6

Read two states once again. Add to that eleven minutes taken from Srijita. Can’t control myself from calling her and telling all those stuff like ‘I don’t want to play this just-friends game with you anymore. That guy touches you whenever he likes, and I can’t let others touch you like that. Why the hell you had to bring that guy in the middle? Can’t you see how much I feel for you? I fell in love with you from the very moment I saw you. It’s different that I chose to stay away from you because you already had a boyfriend. But then once again, one day you told me about the break-up and I really thought I would be able to get you back. And after a month or so, you bring another guy in the middle. Bloody every time I look at your face, I feel like kissing you, and you keep asking whether I have a girlfriend. You girls will never know guys’ emotion.’


But alas!! This speech is not happening.

The fact that she asked Nil to help with her studies taunted me, and in a way I got hurt the most in my life. She could have asked me to study with her. And the fact that she asked for his name a couple of times before leaves me with the suspicion that may be she is in love with him. And anyway, I am going to leave West Bengal within a couple of months, and as the ‘book’ said, I hope it will not really matter after five years. And anyway, if she does have something for me, she will come back. If she doesn’t, then maybe it was never meant for me.


I’ll have to be harsh in the upcoming days. May be even harsher than Pallabi was on me. It’s not easy. Being rude on the person you have loved is always difficult. But who said life will be easy? And anyway, I will have to search for my career first. Let’s see where my destiny leads me.

Things are really tough. I weep more often. I feel like I have a stone at my heart. I hope CAT doesn’t get affected for this.



Pallabi r katha mone porche. Amar school… clairvoyant ke je kono vabe vul proman korte chai. But sei firmness and moral character ki adou amar ache? Pleasure er jonne character e daag lagte dite raaji noi. I hope ei decision ta na change hoye jai. Really confused. Kauke Jodi pashe paoa jeto…

Scattered notes 5

I stood in front of the Golpark Library and waited for the auto to come. Rainy evening could not stop the traffic at Golpark from being at a high level. And in the midst of all those cars, buses, taxis I kept standing looking at the horizon while waiting for the auto to come. The sky was clear, and didn’t reflect the fact that it was raining just a while ago. I looked at the lamppost standing nearby and thought about the place where Srijita and I used to stop and talk for an extra half hour. And then as usual I started controlling tears in public.


I looked at the tree that was standing right at front of us. It was a literally vast, fully grown tree. Crows and other birds took shelter in it and I could count how many were there at the tree. I looked at the sky, where it was dusk. I looked at the busy Golpark which was lying dead just like another place, and then I thought of something else.


I was hurt like I never was. But I decided that life doesn’t end here. There must be many more things that are waiting for me, many of which might bring some good things with them. I must move on irrespective of my feelings for her.


While writing these lines, I ask myself, “Do you still remember what you said to yourself once about love?”

Yes. I answer. I said that there are many more things in the world that are more important than love. And in the world we live, where we have diseases that can make a person want death in each and every moment they live, where there are persons who do not have anything to eat at all, in a world where tears go in vain, there is no place for love, at least not for me.

“Then follow what you said to yourself. Remember you prayed for your father saying that you won’t want even a single more thing in the world, which included Pallabi.”

I fell silent.


Guess I’ll have to make myself busy writing stories and other things, reading books or walking in the dark.

Someday, maybe…I will prove the clairvoyant wrong.

I asked myself, “Why me?”

“May be no one else could play it, that’s why…”

“Does it do any good?”

“You didn’t think of your characters while writing them, did you? May be its just the payback time.”


And then I decided to play the character.

I did not want to leave the play in-between. Some part of my heart was telling me something like, “there is still one lesson to learn from it…and let it be taught. Whoever is making you play it has something good for you at the end. If you trust my words from the core of your heart, you would understand what I meant this day.”


I kept silent. I knew that I was going to weep once again for the whole night. And I hated myself for writing a story like ‘The blood triangle’ without actually understanding the emotions involved in a triangle love story.


I am a tragic writer. And I myself am paying the price of it.


I decide to give the climax a few changes of my own. For once again I will have to walk in dark, write stories that are meaningless, and wonder about things in the world.


The Eucalyptus leaf was there alright. May be my destiny is guiding me in a way that is harsh, difficult and shocking.


Someday, maybe I will prove the clairvoyant wrong.






Sept '10

...once I was in love

"Everything has a first time in life."


Immediately after we came at the Rashbehari crossing, as we stopped near the famous lamppost for continuing our chat for an extra half an hour, she took out a packet of biscuits from her bag and handed it to me.

I gave it back to her. She looked confused and looked at me.

“You tear the packet…I have filth at my hands.” I said.

“Why is it like always I have to do the dirty jobs?” she laughed out merrily.


I looked deep into her eyes. She was looking straight at my eyes. It was quite a long time I was seeing a girl from this distance, and with this affection. I thought I was in love. Love. For the first time in my life. In real.

I looked around the Rashbehari crossing. People were in their own business hurrying to and fro. And then I thought of something I should’ve said at the very moment I saw her for the first time.


“It’s the first time I am sharing a biscuit with a girl and that too at a place like this.” I said.

“Well, everything has a first time in life.”

And then I got the chance of telling her the most important thing I wanted to say to her.


“You know you have made the first line for my next story.” I said.

“Wao.” She said. “So what kind of story is this?”

“Whatever it is, you are the female lead, of course. And if you want I can make it as a two hero story.”

She started out laughing merrily. God I loved her that point of time.

“Or do you like it to be a three hero one?”

“Come on, one is enough.” She smiled.

We talked about several things. She asked me about my studies…I asked her about her personal life. She told me she doesn’t hang out with people: like friends or boyfriends. I become frustrated. I ask whether she possesses any social site profile, like Facebook, Orkut or Gtalk, and she says she doesn’t. I ask her about how she passes time at home, and she says she does it by painting, dancing and studying. I feel pity for her boring life and make her know about it.

“I know. My life is really boring and monotonous.” She answers.


The crowded Rashbehari crossing ignores both of us. But we become immersed in our own talking and sharing of each other. She tells me about her family problems. I listen to them and make some comments as she responds. My love for her increases with each and every thing she shares with me. I feel like I should touch her every moment she tells me something sad about her but I fear she might take it the other way. I feel like I should hold her in my arms but I fear the crowd might see us in the wrong way. I cross my hands, keep them at my chest and keep listening to her, looking straight into her eyes.


She promises to call me afterwards. She says she has a tariff that provides her make a call at one twentieth of a rupee. I become amazed.


On the way back home I swear to myself that I must forget my terrible past and start a serious relationship with her. It’s clear that she likes me, of course. All I have to do is show her that I really care for her. Given the premise that she doesn’t have a boyfriend anymore, I can really be someone more than just friend to her.


For the next twenty days or so we keep walking all the way from Gariahat to Rashbehari while returning from the institution. We share various things from our lives, both good and bad things. I try to cheer her up each and every time she falls silent thinking that it could salve the bad relationship she was trying to come out of. I make entries in my blog saying that I pity her life and go on saying that even if she proposes me now I will deny her just because she is not a girlfriend matter. But soon I fall in love with her.

And then one day she finds another boy from the institution. She asks him publicly that she wants math tuition from him, in lieu of which she is willing to teach him English. That day I find the guy walking with us all the way to the crossing. I become sad and desolate, as I find her talking to that guy all the time while walking. She buys both of us chocolates. She asks me whether I am angry because she didn’t talk to me at all and I say no. We part from the crossing without saying a single more word.


I walk back home. The fact that the guy followed us all the way made me fuming on her. Why on earth she had to take the guy with herself? For god’s sake it was the day I decided to give her the flower from Lake Market. I become dejected, at the same time the loneliest person on earth.


I keep weeping throughout the whole night. Is this how you treat a person who takes care of you? How can you forget those moments when you needed me and I was right there, beside you? I cursed God for making me look ridiculous when I thought about those poems I wrote for her. I cried, cried and kept on crying. And then I slept for a couple of hours.

I woke up early in the morning and got ready. I was going to visit the Shiva temple after a long time. And after half an hour as I reached the temple and stood in front of the figurine, tears rolled down my eyes. It happened with Pallabi. Now it has happened with her too.

I question myself time and again that why did it happen with me. May be I am the one who could take it all. I saw the last words of the clairvoyant were coming true. So it would be wise for me to let things go. I came back home, sat in front of computer and hurried to finish the copy I was writing. So as I finish the entry here I have no longer the burden to carry at my back of writing something about her. And as for myself, yes, I am single after the incident happened to me last night.


...or may be it's the start of something good in my life.




You don’t understand love, do you?

Well, it has something to do with the attraction for a person, holding hands in public, kissing in the dark, and caring for the person you are linked with. It also includes physical relationship. And people say if you cannot satisfy the other person with your affection level, the love between you decreases. Some say it comes from respect, but that’s arguable.

And there is pain. And longing for the person. And even after a long time they are gone, believing that they will come back at some point in your life.



-Sept '10

...now that I hate being alone and neglected

It was good I was single
Now that I wish to get too much
From a person who doesn't respond...
It's not so easy, is it?
It's good that I confess a lot
Because there are a thousand who don't
And get away with everything.
I hate R'ship.



Sept '10

Scattered notes 4

In the last couple of days, my opinions about her changed a lot. It’s not only just because whenever someone starts neglecting me, I feel sort of an irresistible attraction towards that person, but it is also because stopping to mourn about a person who never understood the feeling I had for her, or may be neglecting each and every possibility of a relationship with a much simpler boy was out of her dictionary really helped me sort out my priorities.

In the context of this, and given the fact that I said something about feeling distracted from her…gives me the perfect scenario for an apology, if only the forgiving is possible for her. I was in love with you from the very first day I saw you, and I should’ve been saying this from the day we were together…I love you. I know you are not perfect, I know I am not perfect too. People have limitations, shortcomings. There are certain situations where misunderstandings are natural. But the thing is that I don’t want to lose you from my life. If possible, do come back. Looking forward to you.


By the way you look exceptionally wonderful when you keep your hair untied.



-Sept '10

Scattered notes 3

She's not that type of person whom you can love....she's not gonna go out, hang around or watch movies, she's conservative, orthodox, stubborn, but simple minded and believes in long relationships...problem is that I don't want to go into serious relationship with her. Now that I have started feeling sort of distracted from her. And I really feel sorry for that.

Sometimes even after putting everything we have into something and getting something in return, we start thinking that we didn't want this from God.

How can a person love two girls in his lifetime ??


- Sept '10