“Why do you write such stories which end up with a tragic situation?” she asked me.
“As because I do believe that life is a sad song” I said.
“But life has some glad sides also. Relationship with your familiars, smiling nature, love, happy surroundings, - don’t they keep your mind fresh, alive, happy?”
“I don’t believe in relationship, love or likings, so they don’t excite me.”
What did I say? God, I was talking to the person I had loved for over a year. Days, months I’ve only waited for the day when we will talk something about love. I was eager to talk with her about her views of love, and what I’ve done? When the right time came, I just said that I do not believe in it? But, after all, what could’ve I said? From the day she had stepped into my life, I’ve only feared of losing her. It seems I was destined to meet with her in some part of my life. And now, when I have fallen in love with her, I would better accept the fact that our paths are different, and whatever relation we have now, it’s not for eternity. As I was destined to meet with her, she is probably also destined to meet with someone else. And the best thing for both of us would be probably to be what we are.
This time she gave no answer. She was immensely thinking about something. I couldn’t make out if my stories had done any effect on her mind. I was even in doubt whether she had understood the stories or not. Now another question raised in my mind that, she has certainly noticed that most of my stories contain her name, then why didn’t she ask me anything concerning that. Has she understood my feeling for her, or she is just ignoring this possibility. If considered that she has taken it so simply that no curiosity raised in her mind, but one should get some clicking in her head seeing a name so many times in a diary. And if considered that she has understood it, and just ignoring that related talking, it will be better for me to keep a safe distance apart from her.
The class ended. I came back home. Night came gradually. I kept my bedroom dark and sat at the corner of my bed facing the window. “…keep a safe distance apart from her”, I muttered. If I had thought so ten months before. The golden months, the months deciding the route of my life. If I would have thought so before they had passed, before I passed them so callously thinking about her leaving my studies miles apart.
JANUARY, '07
“It’s me.” I said, as she received the call.
“Oh yes, say”
“Listen, the date of our Friday class…, I mean the timing of our class has been changed. Now onwards, it will start at 2.30 and end at 7.30. It means the biology class will be from 2.30 to 4.30 and chemistry class will be from 4.30 to 7.30.”
“Why this…”
“See, the syllabus can not be completed if the change doesn’t occur. Sir told that the extra one hour may lead to the completion. ”
“Oh! Five hours class!”
“Okay, listen, are you coming this Wednesday? “
“Yeah, I will.”
“But sir told that he will get us out if we can’t answer the questions. “
“No, no, I will go. See, I’m not going that class for two weeks, so I don’t really think that, later he will keep me inside anyway. ”
“Okay.”
“Happy new year, anyways.”
“Happy new year, happy new year.”
“Okay, thank you, bye.”
And I put down the receiver. My heart beats were going faster and faster. My fingers were trembling.
“How much for two minutes’ call?”
“You give four rupees.”
I walked down the footpath. The most remembering day of my life! I can’t believe myself. I called her, and she recognized me! Colourful butterflies flew around me. I could not see the people around me, but only the smiling face. I could not hear the buzzing crowd, but the soft voice asking hello at the telephone in a tender voice. What can one expect in the whole year if he is greeted by a girl on the first day of the year?
I didn’t sleep that night. A tender but sharp voice echoed at my ears, “Hello, hellow, hellow…”
But surprise was waiting all the time for me. She didn’t come that Wednesday, not that Friday too. I astonished, my heart broke. She told me that she would come, but she did a treachery.
My nights seemed to be my only friend then. I thought, I spoke, I cried, I laughed, but it was all the night who was my companion. None other was there to share me.
After a few days, she comes, and wants my copy to note. I give it to her and ask for the questions of the tests. She promises to give those and tells me to remind her at Wednesday by phone. These become very formal talking, but my journey through sadness starts from that moment, even though I think that it is going to be the opposite. If atheists have a god to pray, I am ready to pray for her, at any cost.
Days pass, and I suffer from some sort of uncertainty. I call her on that Wednesday, but she doesn’t come. She doesn’t come even that Friday. I become a little bit angry with her, and call at her home that Friday night.
My trembling fingers become once again on those numbers; it starts ringing, and I can hear the every beat of my heart.
“Hello”
“Hello, is she there?” I ask.
“Yes, you have to hold a few seconds.”
“Okay.”
“Pam…, Pam… it’s his phone…” her mother shouts.
“Hellow” she takes the phone now.
“Hey, what’s this?”
“Why, what happened”
“What’s about my copy?”
“Hasn’t your friend Ratul given you that?”
“He didn’t come today.”
“Oh, I’ve given your copy and the questions to him and left for home as he told that he would be at the chemistry class.”
“Its embarrassing, my copy…, by the way, what happened at Wednesday?”
“Yes, yes, I am telling you that. See, you called me at 3.30 but at around 4 o’ clock I realised that I was not ready for the question answer session. So I called Mashie and asked for your phone number, but as she failed to give it, I told her to tell you that… but just a second, Mashie didn’t tell you that?”
“Yes, she told me, but you see…, my copy…, if Ratul forgets?”
“Hey, is there any problem for it? I mean, is there any urgent need for your copy?”
“No, that’s not. But I’ve to write in my rough copies and have to rewrite them.”
“Oh, don’t do that. Just stick those pages right in your copy. By the way, not a bad idea, no?”
“Yeah, okay then… bye.”
“Bye.”
FEBRUARY, '07
Time. And it was passing like rainy stream. Control on mind was lost previously, and now, I was losing control of my own, my nerves, my soul, my behavior. And all things around me were suddenly very disgusting to see, to hear, to feel, to judge and to accommodate.
Midst of February passed without any happening. None! Neither I called her, nor she did. A big, big question of uncertainty covered my mind; does she want to step out of the relation or is it the pressure of time which keeps us apart?
If anyone reads this, will obviously support, that in this world, something happens somewhere concerning us, which we do not know, but we have to suffer the results, whether it is good or bad. My opinion is the same too. If someone assesses you and takes decision governing you, which may go for you, or against you, but you have to accept them, because it is possible that you have done the same with someone other also.
It reminds me of the first conversation between us, which I can’t forget for the rest if my life. The day, the first class took place at the other building. I was the only person around her. “Tapan sir’s class?” she asked me, and I was pleased. I was pleased because she talked to me. I was pleased because at the time of answering her question I could look at her face, I could look into her eyes.
But all these were very primitive. And the last conversations were...
“Have you got your copy?”
“Yes, Ratul gave it at last.”
And it seems a formal, normal talking. But I know, relations don’t end anywhere. You can’t end them. Yes, it is true, that we are not going to meet after this, but you will know someday, the world is very big, and people themselves do not know, what they are going to do, or what they have done, with others or with themselves.
How much I felt for her, how would she know? So many things I thought about her, about me, about us. So many things I knew about her... Many had been told to me. I can even remember about the night when I dreamed her saying those magic words to me. But just then I woke up at the bed and realizing that it was just a dream, tears rolled down my eyes. It cried me badly. People often say that, what we see, we hear, we think, comes in our dreams..., but I haven’t thought it for a while, that she would tell those things to me..., but still it happened, and it happened, just to hurt me.
And time has taught me, to understand all, to understand the situation I am in. And..., and yes, I have to stop loving you. I have to stop loving you because I want to live. I don’t want to die just thinking about you throughout my life.
But I will never forget you. The small things you did, you told. I won’t forget your eyes, your lips, your gentle smile, all things concerning you, and just you. And I can’t forget the first day to the last day I passed with you, the days I passed with you, or thinking about you, because..., I can stop loving you, but I will not stop loving those days I loved you.
- February, 07
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